So I haven't written in a while. This has fairly because I've been so busy working, and also because I've been busy planning for my trip in the next few months.
If i step foot back in Tennessee, it will be too soon.
So I'm currently not speaking to my brother. I don't feel too bad about this. It's mainly the fact that he's a compulsive liar, dishonest, and disrespectful. So different from me and my sister that I don't understand how we can be part of the same family. Is it wrong that I have friends that I consider closer than my own brother?
I don't' think so. You can only try to understand someone so many times, to see that they have nothing going for themselves, and that they're the kind of person that if they're in deep shit, they'll try to drag you along with them. I don't think it's just this country I feel misplaced in, it's my whole family. I often feel like i want to restart the line again with my family when I get married.
So my peoples are from the south - i personally don't see anything to be prideful about. The southern part of the United States has been one of the most disgusting, poorest, bigoted, areas I've ever had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing. I wouldn't wish where I live right now on my worst enemy ( I reserve Seattle for that).
It's not like I think my new residence will be peaches and cream, but I know that they will be significantly better than where I'm living and what I'm doing now.
Just a few more months to go...the wheels have been in motion. after next week...some things will be set in stone, and I can get the hell out of dodge.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Down the rabbit hole and into oblivion
So things have just been weird lately. I'm actually almost too tired to write. That, and my "a" key is broken...so that's been a nuisance.
I kind of feel like i'm slipping further and further away from sanity. I took one thing away that was hindering me from progressing and that was facebook. It just came to my attention that a lot of the people who i thought were close, werent' really. To be honest, I have more than enough close friends...and since i'm embarking on a new chapter in my life, I don't feel like everyone should have the privilege of knowing what's going on with me anyway.
I gave up trying to reach out to the one guy i knew. It's just a lost cause. I did thank him for a glimmer of hope though. It's really just not worth the time and energy it took to put myself in a vunerable state to deal with him.
Last night was an eye opener. I realize that I can barely tolerate my family. I love them, but...it's very difficult being here. I feel in some ways like I've reverted back to this small child, keeping silent and holding everything in. Definitely not healthy. I started back at the gym and have had some considerable weight loss...so that is the only thing that is keeping me going. Work sucks...i work with one guy who's a complete tool. Everyone else is cool, but i just don't like how these small town folks look at me sometimes.
It's hard to fight against the social norm here...when you're a minority among minorities. (does anyone get that?) Is it weird that I think that I'll find more commonality with people overseas ?
I don't think so. I've felt like a stranger in a strange land for as long as I can remember here in the US.
I still have my goals though. I'm going to keep going with this even if it kills me.
I kind of feel like i'm slipping further and further away from sanity. I took one thing away that was hindering me from progressing and that was facebook. It just came to my attention that a lot of the people who i thought were close, werent' really. To be honest, I have more than enough close friends...and since i'm embarking on a new chapter in my life, I don't feel like everyone should have the privilege of knowing what's going on with me anyway.
I gave up trying to reach out to the one guy i knew. It's just a lost cause. I did thank him for a glimmer of hope though. It's really just not worth the time and energy it took to put myself in a vunerable state to deal with him.
Last night was an eye opener. I realize that I can barely tolerate my family. I love them, but...it's very difficult being here. I feel in some ways like I've reverted back to this small child, keeping silent and holding everything in. Definitely not healthy. I started back at the gym and have had some considerable weight loss...so that is the only thing that is keeping me going. Work sucks...i work with one guy who's a complete tool. Everyone else is cool, but i just don't like how these small town folks look at me sometimes.
It's hard to fight against the social norm here...when you're a minority among minorities. (does anyone get that?) Is it weird that I think that I'll find more commonality with people overseas ?
I don't think so. I've felt like a stranger in a strange land for as long as I can remember here in the US.
I still have my goals though. I'm going to keep going with this even if it kills me.
Monday, January 18, 2010
"Make me wanna holla"
That's an excerpt from "Inner City Blues" by Marvin Gaye, which I'm learning for a show that I have at the end of this month. I'm pretty excited, I've found a really awesome group of talented musicians...that's one great thing about Memphis, never a lack of talent.
I talked to them a little about what kind of sound I'm trying to produce, and coincidentally we're all on the same wavelength. This will make about...a year since I've actually performed on stage. There's a little bit of nervousness, but not too much. I've spent so much time writing songs in that time that I took of, so I have a lot to work with. Also, I now have a keyboard to work with, and will start practicing that for some future shows possibly.
So that's fun. One thing acccomplished here. The other thing is...well, I'm meeting with someone on Friday. A really awesome girl. I don't want to talk about that too much, but i"ll expound later.
In other news, the old friend that wrote me didn't seem to be too serious. I extended my hand, like I did before...but i think there's only so many times you can put yourself out there. I don't know why he feels the need to act that way. I'm all about reconciliation. But, i can't let that prospect overshadow what's happening in my life, and who I'm meeting and all the great things that are going to happen. He is just one person, and does matter - but at the same time, i receive such overwhelming love and support from so many people, there's no room to feel sad anymore.
I guess...whenever he figures out what he wants to say, I'll still be here. I have compassion for this person.
anywhoo...so my job. It's a hate/love thing. I love the folks i work with they're awesome, but...the job itself can suck a fat one. BUT...it's paying the bills at this point and that's all that matters. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy in some areas...but I'm trusting that God will help me through all of of this. It's just hard to remind myself of that at times.
Here's to pressing on...
I talked to them a little about what kind of sound I'm trying to produce, and coincidentally we're all on the same wavelength. This will make about...a year since I've actually performed on stage. There's a little bit of nervousness, but not too much. I've spent so much time writing songs in that time that I took of, so I have a lot to work with. Also, I now have a keyboard to work with, and will start practicing that for some future shows possibly.
So that's fun. One thing acccomplished here. The other thing is...well, I'm meeting with someone on Friday. A really awesome girl. I don't want to talk about that too much, but i"ll expound later.
In other news, the old friend that wrote me didn't seem to be too serious. I extended my hand, like I did before...but i think there's only so many times you can put yourself out there. I don't know why he feels the need to act that way. I'm all about reconciliation. But, i can't let that prospect overshadow what's happening in my life, and who I'm meeting and all the great things that are going to happen. He is just one person, and does matter - but at the same time, i receive such overwhelming love and support from so many people, there's no room to feel sad anymore.
I guess...whenever he figures out what he wants to say, I'll still be here. I have compassion for this person.
anywhoo...so my job. It's a hate/love thing. I love the folks i work with they're awesome, but...the job itself can suck a fat one. BUT...it's paying the bills at this point and that's all that matters. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy in some areas...but I'm trusting that God will help me through all of of this. It's just hard to remind myself of that at times.
Here's to pressing on...
Friday, January 8, 2010
In the Waiting Line...
I'm sitting here drinking green ginger tazo tea from Starbucks. I can't help but to think how much life has changed since I graduated from college. It's kind of funny all the plans and ambitious goals you set out for yourself, and how almost nothing goes according to plan.
That, however is the excitement of life-the good and the bad, very bittersweet.
I'm listening to Sia right now. This woman knows how to get to the very core of my soul.
If none of you (meaning the invisible people who read this blog) have heard this woman...please do yourself and get her previous album: Colour the small one.
I can understand how people fall in love with a person who performs music...I find myself wanting to marry her vocals...lol.
Everything seems to be coming along nicely. It's going to take a while to get adjusted to the way life is right now, but I'm embracing, and I have a group of people that's making life a little easier to swallow. Lately, I've really been praying for God to lead my steps. I realize that I can make plans, but ultimately if it's something I'm not supposed to be doing he'll put a stop to it.
Something interesting that happened? The person that I was talking about weeks before, contaacted me out of the blue. I'm pretty thankful about that. The first thing I did was thank God for it. Dreams have always had a huge significance with what's going to happen or what's going on.
There could be a girl prospect soon, so I've been thinking a lot of how to handle that, in regards to my current goals. Love and happiness are rare things for some people. I'm sure if she's the right person, I'll know soon enough.
That's all I have tonight. I'm embracing change right now, as slow as it may be.
That, however is the excitement of life-the good and the bad, very bittersweet.
I'm listening to Sia right now. This woman knows how to get to the very core of my soul.
If none of you (meaning the invisible people who read this blog) have heard this woman...please do yourself and get her previous album: Colour the small one.
I can understand how people fall in love with a person who performs music...I find myself wanting to marry her vocals...lol.
Everything seems to be coming along nicely. It's going to take a while to get adjusted to the way life is right now, but I'm embracing, and I have a group of people that's making life a little easier to swallow. Lately, I've really been praying for God to lead my steps. I realize that I can make plans, but ultimately if it's something I'm not supposed to be doing he'll put a stop to it.
Something interesting that happened? The person that I was talking about weeks before, contaacted me out of the blue. I'm pretty thankful about that. The first thing I did was thank God for it. Dreams have always had a huge significance with what's going to happen or what's going on.
There could be a girl prospect soon, so I've been thinking a lot of how to handle that, in regards to my current goals. Love and happiness are rare things for some people. I'm sure if she's the right person, I'll know soon enough.
That's all I have tonight. I'm embracing change right now, as slow as it may be.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year, New Goals...etc.
Well, I never thought I'd be writing anything on New Years day. That seems like the typical thing to do, and I guess I work against being atypical in some ways. I should be writing about all the silly little resolutions that I'll be making to make myself better. But I don't really have a ton of things that I want to change, just few things that I know will enhance my life experiences while I'm here on earth.
I guess the first thing is my attitude, which has definitely been worked on in the past month. Not having a job or a set plan can really be a detriment to a healthy, positive attitude. Another thing can be verbal abuse, which is what I have to sometimes put up with when I'm here with my family. It can be a harmful thing if you don't know how to withstand it and remind yourself what kind of person you really are.
The second thing to change is my fitness habits. This has also changed due to the events of the past few months. In my case, I've just become apathetic, haha and also, my favorite pair of headphones broke. At the moment it's too cold to run, so I'll be joining a gym in a few weeks and I'm excited to make a new routine again.
And the last thing...my dating life. Up until now it's been pretty non-existant since I've been so goal driven, but that about to change. I've been allowing myself to become more open to the concept that I can meet someone wonderful. Whether that's here or Korea, that remains to be seen.
I've put music on hold for a bit...but I'm still open to the possibilities that that may hold for me. I'm learning how to take the focus off of people who have mistreated me in the past year, and just have started to pray for them more and more. It's a good feeling to pray for those who have hurt you. You think about them less in terms of how they hurt you so try it...it works.
a few unsubstantial things I want to work on..
-buying nice new clothes
-trying a new hairstyle
-picking up German Language
-go to more concerts/shows
and I really want to do a lot more for my friends...I just feel such overwhelming support from everyone I know in Kansas City. I think there'll be a day that'll come when I can do a ton of things for the majority of them.
That's all i got for now, Happy 2010. This will be bigger and better than the last.
I guess the first thing is my attitude, which has definitely been worked on in the past month. Not having a job or a set plan can really be a detriment to a healthy, positive attitude. Another thing can be verbal abuse, which is what I have to sometimes put up with when I'm here with my family. It can be a harmful thing if you don't know how to withstand it and remind yourself what kind of person you really are.
The second thing to change is my fitness habits. This has also changed due to the events of the past few months. In my case, I've just become apathetic, haha and also, my favorite pair of headphones broke. At the moment it's too cold to run, so I'll be joining a gym in a few weeks and I'm excited to make a new routine again.
And the last thing...my dating life. Up until now it's been pretty non-existant since I've been so goal driven, but that about to change. I've been allowing myself to become more open to the concept that I can meet someone wonderful. Whether that's here or Korea, that remains to be seen.
I've put music on hold for a bit...but I'm still open to the possibilities that that may hold for me. I'm learning how to take the focus off of people who have mistreated me in the past year, and just have started to pray for them more and more. It's a good feeling to pray for those who have hurt you. You think about them less in terms of how they hurt you so try it...it works.
a few unsubstantial things I want to work on..
-buying nice new clothes
-trying a new hairstyle
-picking up German Language
-go to more concerts/shows
and I really want to do a lot more for my friends...I just feel such overwhelming support from everyone I know in Kansas City. I think there'll be a day that'll come when I can do a ton of things for the majority of them.
That's all i got for now, Happy 2010. This will be bigger and better than the last.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Positive Vibes
So, I've been feeling pretty good lately, despite my bouts of insomnia. I think after writing my last post, although I still have recurring dreams about resolving my friendship (two since then). I've learned to relax about them though. I really do feel happy praying about that individual. I think one thing I constantly told him was that I always wanted him to be happy.
So, I've been painting my room here, and rearranging a few things. It's nice to change things around...makes the atmosphere seem brand new. A new development - my resolve to remain positive about my situations. So far, it's been working out great. I even visited a new church. I didn't meet anyone new, but I like the church - it's mixed race, and the pastor is really cool. Definitely a different thing for this area. I'm sure I'll meet some folks soon.
I do have quite a few friends here, they're actually really nice. I spent some time hanging out last night having a screwdriver with a good buddy here, and just chatting. I miss those kinds of times. I definitely miss it with my nerd crew in Kansas City. I really love those guys...I mean really, I think last year I met a ton of wonderful people at the right time. It's hard to not want to come back, but I'm doing what needs to be done at the moment to ensure a successful career.
Christmas was bittersweet. I think everyone I know felt the pangs of the way the economy this year and so gift giving was limited. Personally, I don't care much for the holidays, but for the sake of my mom and sister I participate. Some strange happenings though, I had that recurring dream again about my old friend Adam, and then I had a friend who I had stayed with when I came to Kansas City briefly tell me he didn't want to be friends anymore. He grossly misinterpreted our conversation for some reason, and overreacted - I mean grossly overreacted. He called my best friend and told him something totally off the wall, and I mean I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it. But I went ahead and wrote a friendly letter to clear things up, guess that wasn't good enough. He may be choosing to not talk to me out of stubborness- who knows. What I do know is that where I once was concerned about resolving the issue, I no longer care - because I'm not in the wrong. I'm not saying that callously, I'm saying that because from all the saved conversations and emails and having other folks read them to make sure that I didnt' say something utterly offensive...it's a fact that I'm not in the wrong.
As of late, I've had two different types of people in my life. The ones that contact me and really wonder how I'm doing, and the ones who won't talk to me unless I talk to them first...and I mean this is for EVERY conversation. I don't understand people like this. There's one person in particular I can think of that I think gets off from trying to belittle me every conversation we have. I think maybe they're compensating for lack of a penis or something I don't know. But it's retarded...and I really just get sick of putting up with stuff like that - and I don't have to.
Things have been on the up and up..and I'm grateful for that. It gets exasperating sometimes being here, but things take time to come together, and I do have my sights set on a certain goal before the middle of 2010.
I have a great feeling that good things are going to happen in a lot of areas in my life. I'm definitely ready for it.
So, I've been painting my room here, and rearranging a few things. It's nice to change things around...makes the atmosphere seem brand new. A new development - my resolve to remain positive about my situations. So far, it's been working out great. I even visited a new church. I didn't meet anyone new, but I like the church - it's mixed race, and the pastor is really cool. Definitely a different thing for this area. I'm sure I'll meet some folks soon.
I do have quite a few friends here, they're actually really nice. I spent some time hanging out last night having a screwdriver with a good buddy here, and just chatting. I miss those kinds of times. I definitely miss it with my nerd crew in Kansas City. I really love those guys...I mean really, I think last year I met a ton of wonderful people at the right time. It's hard to not want to come back, but I'm doing what needs to be done at the moment to ensure a successful career.
Christmas was bittersweet. I think everyone I know felt the pangs of the way the economy this year and so gift giving was limited. Personally, I don't care much for the holidays, but for the sake of my mom and sister I participate. Some strange happenings though, I had that recurring dream again about my old friend Adam, and then I had a friend who I had stayed with when I came to Kansas City briefly tell me he didn't want to be friends anymore. He grossly misinterpreted our conversation for some reason, and overreacted - I mean grossly overreacted. He called my best friend and told him something totally off the wall, and I mean I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it. But I went ahead and wrote a friendly letter to clear things up, guess that wasn't good enough. He may be choosing to not talk to me out of stubborness- who knows. What I do know is that where I once was concerned about resolving the issue, I no longer care - because I'm not in the wrong. I'm not saying that callously, I'm saying that because from all the saved conversations and emails and having other folks read them to make sure that I didnt' say something utterly offensive...it's a fact that I'm not in the wrong.
As of late, I've had two different types of people in my life. The ones that contact me and really wonder how I'm doing, and the ones who won't talk to me unless I talk to them first...and I mean this is for EVERY conversation. I don't understand people like this. There's one person in particular I can think of that I think gets off from trying to belittle me every conversation we have. I think maybe they're compensating for lack of a penis or something I don't know. But it's retarded...and I really just get sick of putting up with stuff like that - and I don't have to.
Things have been on the up and up..and I'm grateful for that. It gets exasperating sometimes being here, but things take time to come together, and I do have my sights set on a certain goal before the middle of 2010.
I have a great feeling that good things are going to happen in a lot of areas in my life. I'm definitely ready for it.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Sad Memories
So, I keep having recurring dreams about a guy who was one of my best friends. His name was Adam. Adam was a great guy...he had a great heart, but one of his biggest flaws was that he was so passive.
I knew this about Adam, and instead of exploiting that, I defended him a lot of the times when he had issues with different stuff, like when him and his roommate weren't getting along. I automatically considered this guy awesome because he was introduced to me by my best friend who lives in KC. So for that entire summer, me and Adam hung out...and he was also there when I entered the band I was in. I met a lot of wonderful people through Adam actually...all from Iowa.
It's so confusing, they are all such good people...and yet from what I hear now, he barely keeps in touch with them because he's fallen into the lifestyle that the band presented. I think the thing I most regret about doing music, was the way it tore up my friendships during/after the fact. I basically had to stop talking to a lot of people who surrounded the incident because they never tried to see it from my point of view.
The worst was in fact Adam, in that in one email...he said "I support you on your decision" and in public...would not speak to me when everyone else was around. I think he tried to be somewhat of a social chameleon - When we around others he would display another personality - he just wanted to fit in with everyone. I'm assuming this may have stemmed from something he was used to at an early age, but I have no factual evidence to back that up.
Some may allude it to as people just being people. I guess I have always taken friendship seriously. Never one to throw the word "i love you" or "friend" around so callously. Little by little i saw what that lifestyle was doing to him, and what it was starting to do to me...and before I got in too deep I made the decision and got out. It's still one of the best decisions I've ever made...at the cost of a person I once deemed as a great friend.
Why am I writing about this today? I have no idea....well yah I do. I guess I wonder if that guy is truly happy. Partying gets old, alcohol gets old...everyone starts moving on with their lives, what then? Recently, I've had some dreams in which I ran into this guy, and I think I was really greatful that he actually talked to me. Why did one person matter so much, when I have really great people around me who support me?
"One person can always matter", someone mentioned to me today. I think i've always overly cared about my friends. The ones that I thought were real I suppose. I think I was more taken aback by the ones I had known for years that didn't take a moment to hear me out.
It's old news...all of it is. Am I wrong for wanting to reconcile with this cat? The sad thing is that, I tried to, and he never called me back, but yet he told my best friend that he had gotten a message from me. He doesn't even talk to my best friend who he grew up with overseas anymore.
How can people change so drastically? Is wanting to be accepted so badly worth losing the people who understand what real friendship is?
It's really sad. I know that things will never be the same...but I can be happy in that I tried to make a valid effort to resolve things. I had to end up blocking him on my facebook because it hurt too much to see him.
haha yah, this sounds gay. I don't care...I missed the way things were before I ever started music.
I don't want to write anymore about this...i know he'll never see this.
I still pray for you man. Merry Christmas.
I knew this about Adam, and instead of exploiting that, I defended him a lot of the times when he had issues with different stuff, like when him and his roommate weren't getting along. I automatically considered this guy awesome because he was introduced to me by my best friend who lives in KC. So for that entire summer, me and Adam hung out...and he was also there when I entered the band I was in. I met a lot of wonderful people through Adam actually...all from Iowa.
It's so confusing, they are all such good people...and yet from what I hear now, he barely keeps in touch with them because he's fallen into the lifestyle that the band presented. I think the thing I most regret about doing music, was the way it tore up my friendships during/after the fact. I basically had to stop talking to a lot of people who surrounded the incident because they never tried to see it from my point of view.
The worst was in fact Adam, in that in one email...he said "I support you on your decision" and in public...would not speak to me when everyone else was around. I think he tried to be somewhat of a social chameleon - When we around others he would display another personality - he just wanted to fit in with everyone. I'm assuming this may have stemmed from something he was used to at an early age, but I have no factual evidence to back that up.
Some may allude it to as people just being people. I guess I have always taken friendship seriously. Never one to throw the word "i love you" or "friend" around so callously. Little by little i saw what that lifestyle was doing to him, and what it was starting to do to me...and before I got in too deep I made the decision and got out. It's still one of the best decisions I've ever made...at the cost of a person I once deemed as a great friend.
Why am I writing about this today? I have no idea....well yah I do. I guess I wonder if that guy is truly happy. Partying gets old, alcohol gets old...everyone starts moving on with their lives, what then? Recently, I've had some dreams in which I ran into this guy, and I think I was really greatful that he actually talked to me. Why did one person matter so much, when I have really great people around me who support me?
"One person can always matter", someone mentioned to me today. I think i've always overly cared about my friends. The ones that I thought were real I suppose. I think I was more taken aback by the ones I had known for years that didn't take a moment to hear me out.
It's old news...all of it is. Am I wrong for wanting to reconcile with this cat? The sad thing is that, I tried to, and he never called me back, but yet he told my best friend that he had gotten a message from me. He doesn't even talk to my best friend who he grew up with overseas anymore.
How can people change so drastically? Is wanting to be accepted so badly worth losing the people who understand what real friendship is?
It's really sad. I know that things will never be the same...but I can be happy in that I tried to make a valid effort to resolve things. I had to end up blocking him on my facebook because it hurt too much to see him.
haha yah, this sounds gay. I don't care...I missed the way things were before I ever started music.
I don't want to write anymore about this...i know he'll never see this.
I still pray for you man. Merry Christmas.
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