Sad Memories

So, I keep having recurring dreams about a guy who was one of my best friends. His name was Adam. Adam was a great guy...he had a great heart, but one of his biggest flaws was that he was so passive.

I knew this about Adam, and instead of exploiting that, I defended him a lot of the times when he had issues with different stuff, like when him and his roommate weren't getting along. I automatically considered this guy awesome because he was introduced to me by my best friend who lives in KC. So for that entire summer, me and Adam hung out...and he was also there when I entered the band I was in. I met a lot of wonderful people through Adam actually...all from Iowa.

It's so confusing, they are all such good people...and yet from what I hear now, he barely keeps in touch with them because he's fallen into the lifestyle that the band presented. I think the thing I most regret about doing music, was the way it tore up my friendships during/after the fact. I basically had to stop talking to a lot of people who surrounded the incident because they never tried to see it from my point of view.

The worst was in fact Adam, in that in one email...he said "I support you on your decision" and in public...would not speak to me when everyone else was around. I think he tried to be somewhat of a social chameleon - When we around others he would display another personality - he just wanted to fit in with everyone. I'm assuming this may have stemmed from something he was used to at an early age, but I have no factual evidence to back that up.

Some may allude it to as people just being people. I guess I have always taken friendship seriously. Never one to throw the word "i love you" or "friend" around so callously. Little by little i saw what that lifestyle was doing to him, and what it was starting to do to me...and before I got in too deep I made the decision and got out. It's still one of the best decisions I've ever made...at the cost of a person I once deemed as a great friend.

Why am I writing about this today? I have no idea....well yah I do. I guess I wonder if that guy is truly happy. Partying gets old, alcohol gets old...everyone starts moving on with their lives, what then? Recently, I've had some dreams in which I ran into this guy, and I think I was really greatful that he actually talked to me. Why did one person matter so much, when I have really great people around me who support me?

"One person can always matter", someone mentioned to me today. I think i've always overly cared about my friends. The ones that I thought were real I suppose. I think I was more taken aback by the ones I had known for years that didn't take a moment to hear me out.

It's old news...all of it is. Am I wrong for wanting to reconcile with this cat? The sad thing is that, I tried to, and he never called me back, but yet he told my best friend that he had gotten a message from me. He doesn't even talk to my best friend who he grew up with overseas anymore.

How can people change so drastically? Is wanting to be accepted so badly worth losing the people who understand what real friendship is?

It's really sad. I know that things will never be the same...but I can be happy in that I tried to make a valid effort to resolve things. I had to end up blocking him on my facebook because it hurt too much to see him.

haha yah, this sounds gay. I don't care...I missed the way things were before I ever started music.

I don't want to write anymore about this...i know he'll never see this.

I still pray for you man. Merry Christmas.