So, I've been feeling pretty good lately, despite my bouts of insomnia. I think after writing my last post, although I still have recurring dreams about resolving my friendship (two since then). I've learned to relax about them though. I really do feel happy praying about that individual. I think one thing I constantly told him was that I always wanted him to be happy.
So, I've been painting my room here, and rearranging a few things. It's nice to change things around...makes the atmosphere seem brand new. A new development - my resolve to remain positive about my situations. So far, it's been working out great. I even visited a new church. I didn't meet anyone new, but I like the church - it's mixed race, and the pastor is really cool. Definitely a different thing for this area. I'm sure I'll meet some folks soon.
I do have quite a few friends here, they're actually really nice. I spent some time hanging out last night having a screwdriver with a good buddy here, and just chatting. I miss those kinds of times. I definitely miss it with my nerd crew in Kansas City. I really love those guys...I mean really, I think last year I met a ton of wonderful people at the right time. It's hard to not want to come back, but I'm doing what needs to be done at the moment to ensure a successful career.
Christmas was bittersweet. I think everyone I know felt the pangs of the way the economy this year and so gift giving was limited. Personally, I don't care much for the holidays, but for the sake of my mom and sister I participate. Some strange happenings though, I had that recurring dream again about my old friend Adam, and then I had a friend who I had stayed with when I came to Kansas City briefly tell me he didn't want to be friends anymore. He grossly misinterpreted our conversation for some reason, and overreacted - I mean grossly overreacted. He called my best friend and told him something totally off the wall, and I mean I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it. But I went ahead and wrote a friendly letter to clear things up, guess that wasn't good enough. He may be choosing to not talk to me out of stubborness- who knows. What I do know is that where I once was concerned about resolving the issue, I no longer care - because I'm not in the wrong. I'm not saying that callously, I'm saying that because from all the saved conversations and emails and having other folks read them to make sure that I didnt' say something utterly offensive...it's a fact that I'm not in the wrong.
As of late, I've had two different types of people in my life. The ones that contact me and really wonder how I'm doing, and the ones who won't talk to me unless I talk to them first...and I mean this is for EVERY conversation. I don't understand people like this. There's one person in particular I can think of that I think gets off from trying to belittle me every conversation we have. I think maybe they're compensating for lack of a penis or something I don't know. But it's retarded...and I really just get sick of putting up with stuff like that - and I don't have to.
Things have been on the up and up..and I'm grateful for that. It gets exasperating sometimes being here, but things take time to come together, and I do have my sights set on a certain goal before the middle of 2010.
I have a great feeling that good things are going to happen in a lot of areas in my life. I'm definitely ready for it.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Sad Memories
So, I keep having recurring dreams about a guy who was one of my best friends. His name was Adam. Adam was a great guy...he had a great heart, but one of his biggest flaws was that he was so passive.
I knew this about Adam, and instead of exploiting that, I defended him a lot of the times when he had issues with different stuff, like when him and his roommate weren't getting along. I automatically considered this guy awesome because he was introduced to me by my best friend who lives in KC. So for that entire summer, me and Adam hung out...and he was also there when I entered the band I was in. I met a lot of wonderful people through Adam actually...all from Iowa.
It's so confusing, they are all such good people...and yet from what I hear now, he barely keeps in touch with them because he's fallen into the lifestyle that the band presented. I think the thing I most regret about doing music, was the way it tore up my friendships during/after the fact. I basically had to stop talking to a lot of people who surrounded the incident because they never tried to see it from my point of view.
The worst was in fact Adam, in that in one email...he said "I support you on your decision" and in public...would not speak to me when everyone else was around. I think he tried to be somewhat of a social chameleon - When we around others he would display another personality - he just wanted to fit in with everyone. I'm assuming this may have stemmed from something he was used to at an early age, but I have no factual evidence to back that up.
Some may allude it to as people just being people. I guess I have always taken friendship seriously. Never one to throw the word "i love you" or "friend" around so callously. Little by little i saw what that lifestyle was doing to him, and what it was starting to do to me...and before I got in too deep I made the decision and got out. It's still one of the best decisions I've ever made...at the cost of a person I once deemed as a great friend.
Why am I writing about this today? I have no idea....well yah I do. I guess I wonder if that guy is truly happy. Partying gets old, alcohol gets old...everyone starts moving on with their lives, what then? Recently, I've had some dreams in which I ran into this guy, and I think I was really greatful that he actually talked to me. Why did one person matter so much, when I have really great people around me who support me?
"One person can always matter", someone mentioned to me today. I think i've always overly cared about my friends. The ones that I thought were real I suppose. I think I was more taken aback by the ones I had known for years that didn't take a moment to hear me out.
It's old news...all of it is. Am I wrong for wanting to reconcile with this cat? The sad thing is that, I tried to, and he never called me back, but yet he told my best friend that he had gotten a message from me. He doesn't even talk to my best friend who he grew up with overseas anymore.
How can people change so drastically? Is wanting to be accepted so badly worth losing the people who understand what real friendship is?
It's really sad. I know that things will never be the same...but I can be happy in that I tried to make a valid effort to resolve things. I had to end up blocking him on my facebook because it hurt too much to see him.
haha yah, this sounds gay. I don't care...I missed the way things were before I ever started music.
I don't want to write anymore about this...i know he'll never see this.
I still pray for you man. Merry Christmas.
I knew this about Adam, and instead of exploiting that, I defended him a lot of the times when he had issues with different stuff, like when him and his roommate weren't getting along. I automatically considered this guy awesome because he was introduced to me by my best friend who lives in KC. So for that entire summer, me and Adam hung out...and he was also there when I entered the band I was in. I met a lot of wonderful people through Adam actually...all from Iowa.
It's so confusing, they are all such good people...and yet from what I hear now, he barely keeps in touch with them because he's fallen into the lifestyle that the band presented. I think the thing I most regret about doing music, was the way it tore up my friendships during/after the fact. I basically had to stop talking to a lot of people who surrounded the incident because they never tried to see it from my point of view.
The worst was in fact Adam, in that in one email...he said "I support you on your decision" and in public...would not speak to me when everyone else was around. I think he tried to be somewhat of a social chameleon - When we around others he would display another personality - he just wanted to fit in with everyone. I'm assuming this may have stemmed from something he was used to at an early age, but I have no factual evidence to back that up.
Some may allude it to as people just being people. I guess I have always taken friendship seriously. Never one to throw the word "i love you" or "friend" around so callously. Little by little i saw what that lifestyle was doing to him, and what it was starting to do to me...and before I got in too deep I made the decision and got out. It's still one of the best decisions I've ever made...at the cost of a person I once deemed as a great friend.
Why am I writing about this today? I have no idea....well yah I do. I guess I wonder if that guy is truly happy. Partying gets old, alcohol gets old...everyone starts moving on with their lives, what then? Recently, I've had some dreams in which I ran into this guy, and I think I was really greatful that he actually talked to me. Why did one person matter so much, when I have really great people around me who support me?
"One person can always matter", someone mentioned to me today. I think i've always overly cared about my friends. The ones that I thought were real I suppose. I think I was more taken aback by the ones I had known for years that didn't take a moment to hear me out.
It's old news...all of it is. Am I wrong for wanting to reconcile with this cat? The sad thing is that, I tried to, and he never called me back, but yet he told my best friend that he had gotten a message from me. He doesn't even talk to my best friend who he grew up with overseas anymore.
How can people change so drastically? Is wanting to be accepted so badly worth losing the people who understand what real friendship is?
It's really sad. I know that things will never be the same...but I can be happy in that I tried to make a valid effort to resolve things. I had to end up blocking him on my facebook because it hurt too much to see him.
haha yah, this sounds gay. I don't care...I missed the way things were before I ever started music.
I don't want to write anymore about this...i know he'll never see this.
I still pray for you man. Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Memphis Blues and Contempt
Definitely been a good while since I've even touched upon this blog. I'd like to spare everyone all the semantics of why I haven't written, but since no one reads this blog anyway I won't explain myself.
Who am I kidding? To make a long story short, life caught up with me and not for the better. I think after all of last years events as well as early summer's happenings, I started regressing into the person I was when I lived in Seattle. There was a point in time where it was all I could do to just wake up in the morning and get on with my life, with no real reason as to why I did anything that I did in the first place. A lot of people speak of ambition, and I had this false ambition I created for myself to feel useful as a human being. I think we all want to feel like we hold some sort of purpose or reason for our existence. I think even at a young age I couldn't understand the reason for humans existence.
I think to think about it...is very exhausting, and I think that's why some people just live. I am sure there are those that have an ingrained zeal for life, and I think I want to feel this too. I could get into the reasons (as there are many) for not feeling this way - but for the moment I'll just say that I don't really have much to look forward to.
That isn't to say that I've set the necessary goals I've needed to in order to function successfully. But isn't there something more to life than just working, and paying off debt? Getting married, or not getting married, sex and children, etc. I'm not going to throw religion- namely Christianity in all of this because that's the first thing people will say. "You need God to fill that void"
I won't comment on this too much because I've supposedly known God and still felt a void. Or maybe perhaps I was deluded the entire time into thinking that God actually has a purpose for my existence. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I don't know how to determine anything like that anymore. All I know how to do at the moment is make plans, get up and relocate, and repeat, repeat, repeat. I know that I'm weary of moving. I'd like that to stop.
At the moment I'm in Memphis, TN. I don't know where to begin about this city. There's a lot of history, and still a lot of ignorance. It is a daily struggle to understand the people of this city, and even more difficult-to understand the music scene. The so-called birthplace of music (or one of them), and you have to filter through the elitist attitude that propagates here. My personal experience is that no one is serious, everyone has a dream, but lacks the ambition to get there. Memphis is a tourist city - plain and simple. It's other attractions are crime, murder, and social injustice.
I'm not going to go into a "I hate Memphis" rant. I've decided to take it as it is at the moment and do the best that I can until I leave in June. I've always thought that I made a lot of decisions for myself by my own accord, but this move in June will be the first that I feel I will truly make for myself and I am ready to accept the consequences if they are the wrong decisions. I take delight that I have taken control over my life, and for once it's not ruled by ridiculous religious idiosyncrasies.
More on this later, and oh yah...bah humbug. lol.
Who am I kidding? To make a long story short, life caught up with me and not for the better. I think after all of last years events as well as early summer's happenings, I started regressing into the person I was when I lived in Seattle. There was a point in time where it was all I could do to just wake up in the morning and get on with my life, with no real reason as to why I did anything that I did in the first place. A lot of people speak of ambition, and I had this false ambition I created for myself to feel useful as a human being. I think we all want to feel like we hold some sort of purpose or reason for our existence. I think even at a young age I couldn't understand the reason for humans existence.
I think to think about it...is very exhausting, and I think that's why some people just live. I am sure there are those that have an ingrained zeal for life, and I think I want to feel this too. I could get into the reasons (as there are many) for not feeling this way - but for the moment I'll just say that I don't really have much to look forward to.
That isn't to say that I've set the necessary goals I've needed to in order to function successfully. But isn't there something more to life than just working, and paying off debt? Getting married, or not getting married, sex and children, etc. I'm not going to throw religion- namely Christianity in all of this because that's the first thing people will say. "You need God to fill that void"
I won't comment on this too much because I've supposedly known God and still felt a void. Or maybe perhaps I was deluded the entire time into thinking that God actually has a purpose for my existence. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I don't know how to determine anything like that anymore. All I know how to do at the moment is make plans, get up and relocate, and repeat, repeat, repeat. I know that I'm weary of moving. I'd like that to stop.
At the moment I'm in Memphis, TN. I don't know where to begin about this city. There's a lot of history, and still a lot of ignorance. It is a daily struggle to understand the people of this city, and even more difficult-to understand the music scene. The so-called birthplace of music (or one of them), and you have to filter through the elitist attitude that propagates here. My personal experience is that no one is serious, everyone has a dream, but lacks the ambition to get there. Memphis is a tourist city - plain and simple. It's other attractions are crime, murder, and social injustice.
I'm not going to go into a "I hate Memphis" rant. I've decided to take it as it is at the moment and do the best that I can until I leave in June. I've always thought that I made a lot of decisions for myself by my own accord, but this move in June will be the first that I feel I will truly make for myself and I am ready to accept the consequences if they are the wrong decisions. I take delight that I have taken control over my life, and for once it's not ruled by ridiculous religious idiosyncrasies.
More on this later, and oh yah...bah humbug. lol.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Silent Soliloquy
Well,
I haven't written after my last post intentionally. There was a lot of thought put into trying to figure out this predestined future I had made up for myself, only to ultimately find that I was trying to convince myself that my hearts desires would never come to pass.
I gave up, plain and simple. It was easier to say yes to "fate" and no to the fact that God really does want the best for me and that he's not some manevolent being sitting up on a throne gleefully rubbing his hands together as I groan over different tribulations.
That's not who God is at all. What a freaking idiot I was. When things seem stagnant - and I'm talking about in any relationship, you need to shake it up a bit. There are different things I can do to improve my relationship with God. Heck, there are different things I can do to improve my quality of life. Working out just isn't one of them; i need to get to root of the problem - my way of thinking.
As I'm sitting here at this coffee shop contemplating what the next course of action will be, I have taken a moment to appreciate this time of singledness. The sky is the limit! I can do whatever I want to do...and I have no obligations. I am blessed with the most wonderful friends on this planet! I am so loved. Tomorrow I turn 27, and I realized that a lifetime of what I've spent searching for, genuine honesty and loyalty from people who see me from the inside...I have it here in Kansas City.
That's what makes the decision that I had to make this past weekend...the hardest I've ever had to make...
I haven't written after my last post intentionally. There was a lot of thought put into trying to figure out this predestined future I had made up for myself, only to ultimately find that I was trying to convince myself that my hearts desires would never come to pass.
I gave up, plain and simple. It was easier to say yes to "fate" and no to the fact that God really does want the best for me and that he's not some manevolent being sitting up on a throne gleefully rubbing his hands together as I groan over different tribulations.
That's not who God is at all. What a freaking idiot I was. When things seem stagnant - and I'm talking about in any relationship, you need to shake it up a bit. There are different things I can do to improve my relationship with God. Heck, there are different things I can do to improve my quality of life. Working out just isn't one of them; i need to get to root of the problem - my way of thinking.
As I'm sitting here at this coffee shop contemplating what the next course of action will be, I have taken a moment to appreciate this time of singledness. The sky is the limit! I can do whatever I want to do...and I have no obligations. I am blessed with the most wonderful friends on this planet! I am so loved. Tomorrow I turn 27, and I realized that a lifetime of what I've spent searching for, genuine honesty and loyalty from people who see me from the inside...I have it here in Kansas City.
That's what makes the decision that I had to make this past weekend...the hardest I've ever had to make...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Moonlight Sonata on Repeat...
Because that's what I am feeling today. My roommate has been gone for a good bit, so I've had the house to myself. The peace and quiet is nice, although it's always very quiet. Luckily my good friends are right down the street if I ever wanted to get into some shenanigans.
But today, today is a somber day. I find it very reminiscent to Seattle. One of those days that I spent in the house just writing, and listening to music and pondering the next course of action in my life. I've known for a while that I'm quite an abstract person. I honestly believe that this is what enables me to make so many friends, yet when it comes to someone truly understanding what I'm like, I'm at a loss. There are times where I even wonder what God is doing. My lack of understanding of what his plans are for me leaves me in a uncompromising void at times. I keep going back and forth in determining if what I'm doing in the present is really what I should be doing.
I had a few letdowns this past week. It's made me rather complacent for the time being. Complacent, but not lacking in my routine - if that makes any sense. It's not so much a negative thing as it is more so a realist point of view. When people ask me how I'm doing, I generally say, "I am here, and I exist." What that all entails...well I'll leave that up to the creator. In doing some pondering, I wonder if we truly have a choice in the way life turns out.
All these desires, all these plans, are they really ours to begin with? Or were they placed there to fulfill God's whim? These are just a few things I've been going over in the past few weeks. I know where I stand with my faith, and I know the routine - but there are times where I need to know that everything that's happening isn't for naught.
Welcome to life I suppose. Some people have the belief that it is what you make of it, while others choose to just go along for the ride until the inevitable happens. I guess you can say that I'm a little in between. I have become callous to the idea of love, marriage, and things of that sort and merely plan to just ride life out until I can't anymore. I'm sure all these abilities I've been blessed with will go to some use, as they were put there for a reason...but we'll see.
Perhaps some people have talents that will never see the light of day, even wonderful personalities that no one will take the time to learn about. Maybe I am one of those people. I can't say for certain because I simply do not know. Would you deem it to be fair that one omnipotent being knows how your life is going to turn out, but never gives you a clue how?
We have those moments where we have joy when the unknown begets something beneficial to us in our lives; but do you think the Creator - already knowing the things that are going to happen in your life gives a mundane *sigh* and also waits for your existence to be over?
I wonder, because I also do not know. I will say, that as of late, I have not seen nor felt any evidence to assume that Happiness is what he wants for everyone. There are good things that happen, things that need to happen in order to carry out your existence, but I guess it's all a matter of how you view it.
I've just noticed that I've had Moonlight Sonata repeating for over 2 hours now, and it never gets old to me. I can literally hear this song crying tears.
I think that I'll continue to run with the belief that love is selective. Meaning, those who are meant to experience what the emotion love is, have been predestined to do so. Others will continue to wonder and perhaps want.
I neither wonder, nor want. Because I am incapable of feeling love for a significant other at the moment. But, I tried. I have love for my friends...and perhaps that's all I need, and perhaps I find solace in the simple things in life. Perhaps I am ultimately called to singleness.
I do not know. And you know what, God will never let me know.
I am here, and I exist. Nothing more.
But today, today is a somber day. I find it very reminiscent to Seattle. One of those days that I spent in the house just writing, and listening to music and pondering the next course of action in my life. I've known for a while that I'm quite an abstract person. I honestly believe that this is what enables me to make so many friends, yet when it comes to someone truly understanding what I'm like, I'm at a loss. There are times where I even wonder what God is doing. My lack of understanding of what his plans are for me leaves me in a uncompromising void at times. I keep going back and forth in determining if what I'm doing in the present is really what I should be doing.
I had a few letdowns this past week. It's made me rather complacent for the time being. Complacent, but not lacking in my routine - if that makes any sense. It's not so much a negative thing as it is more so a realist point of view. When people ask me how I'm doing, I generally say, "I am here, and I exist." What that all entails...well I'll leave that up to the creator. In doing some pondering, I wonder if we truly have a choice in the way life turns out.
All these desires, all these plans, are they really ours to begin with? Or were they placed there to fulfill God's whim? These are just a few things I've been going over in the past few weeks. I know where I stand with my faith, and I know the routine - but there are times where I need to know that everything that's happening isn't for naught.
Welcome to life I suppose. Some people have the belief that it is what you make of it, while others choose to just go along for the ride until the inevitable happens. I guess you can say that I'm a little in between. I have become callous to the idea of love, marriage, and things of that sort and merely plan to just ride life out until I can't anymore. I'm sure all these abilities I've been blessed with will go to some use, as they were put there for a reason...but we'll see.
Perhaps some people have talents that will never see the light of day, even wonderful personalities that no one will take the time to learn about. Maybe I am one of those people. I can't say for certain because I simply do not know. Would you deem it to be fair that one omnipotent being knows how your life is going to turn out, but never gives you a clue how?
We have those moments where we have joy when the unknown begets something beneficial to us in our lives; but do you think the Creator - already knowing the things that are going to happen in your life gives a mundane *sigh* and also waits for your existence to be over?
I wonder, because I also do not know. I will say, that as of late, I have not seen nor felt any evidence to assume that Happiness is what he wants for everyone. There are good things that happen, things that need to happen in order to carry out your existence, but I guess it's all a matter of how you view it.
I've just noticed that I've had Moonlight Sonata repeating for over 2 hours now, and it never gets old to me. I can literally hear this song crying tears.
I think that I'll continue to run with the belief that love is selective. Meaning, those who are meant to experience what the emotion love is, have been predestined to do so. Others will continue to wonder and perhaps want.
I neither wonder, nor want. Because I am incapable of feeling love for a significant other at the moment. But, I tried. I have love for my friends...and perhaps that's all I need, and perhaps I find solace in the simple things in life. Perhaps I am ultimately called to singleness.
I do not know. And you know what, God will never let me know.
I am here, and I exist. Nothing more.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Beep Beep.com
I'm going to take a moment to rant about something that has literally been annoying the ever living sh** out of me.
The stupid beep beep.com commercial that plays about 50 times a night on Cartoon Network.
I'm sure they play it on other stations too, thank God I don't watch TV that often. I am just irritated because it's a Monday, and I need something to vent about because I didn't want to be at work today. Normally, Presidents Day is a holiday where you get off of work, not for where I work though. Well, I guess getting paid is better than not getting anything, or being out of a job completely.
But if you are unfortunate to catch this commercial, the dude that sings it is way off key, the timing is way off..and his voice is just excruciatingly grating. I have no idea who the PR or Marketing cat is for Time Warner, but this dude needs to be fired. If anything, it's ineffective because the sound makes me want to drive a screwdriver into my brain, not look up new cars.
It's almost as bad as the "banana phone" song, which now since I thought about it, is stuck in my head - w00T! -_-.
I am looking forward to a nice night at the Phoenix Piano bar...i need it.
The stupid beep beep.com commercial that plays about 50 times a night on Cartoon Network.
I'm sure they play it on other stations too, thank God I don't watch TV that often. I am just irritated because it's a Monday, and I need something to vent about because I didn't want to be at work today. Normally, Presidents Day is a holiday where you get off of work, not for where I work though. Well, I guess getting paid is better than not getting anything, or being out of a job completely.
But if you are unfortunate to catch this commercial, the dude that sings it is way off key, the timing is way off..and his voice is just excruciatingly grating. I have no idea who the PR or Marketing cat is for Time Warner, but this dude needs to be fired. If anything, it's ineffective because the sound makes me want to drive a screwdriver into my brain, not look up new cars.
It's almost as bad as the "banana phone" song, which now since I thought about it, is stuck in my head - w00T! -_-.
I am looking forward to a nice night at the Phoenix Piano bar...i need it.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Karma and Cheese
Hmm, don't know why I added the "cheese" part to this entry.
Maybe in my own weird way I think cheese is something to eat with the advent of something
happening related to good or bad karma.
So, in a roundabout way, I found out that Karma is indeed in fact, very real. Perhaps that's
why I am very careful about what I say or what I do. I'd like to go with the belief that in any situation, the universe realizes what's ethically right and wrong, and that it rewards or punishes
those individuals based upon their decisions.
Or...i could be wrong, and karma isn't real and that things are merely happenstance. Either way, I will never revel in someones misfortune. But I will simply nod and say, "Did you really think that by your actions, you'd be able to live comfortably forever?".
I will continue to pray for the people that I know to be lost and misguided. God has blessed me so much by going against the grain and doing what is right by Him, and so I'm not worried. I will trust in him and he will give me all the desires of my heart. This is what I truly believe. The friends that I did have who were agnostic, could never understand where I'm coming from or how I'll continue to live. But karma has a weird way of waking people up to reality.
I just hope that they're able to endure what will come from what seeds they have sown.
Maybe in my own weird way I think cheese is something to eat with the advent of something
happening related to good or bad karma.
So, in a roundabout way, I found out that Karma is indeed in fact, very real. Perhaps that's
why I am very careful about what I say or what I do. I'd like to go with the belief that in any situation, the universe realizes what's ethically right and wrong, and that it rewards or punishes
those individuals based upon their decisions.
Or...i could be wrong, and karma isn't real and that things are merely happenstance. Either way, I will never revel in someones misfortune. But I will simply nod and say, "Did you really think that by your actions, you'd be able to live comfortably forever?".
I will continue to pray for the people that I know to be lost and misguided. God has blessed me so much by going against the grain and doing what is right by Him, and so I'm not worried. I will trust in him and he will give me all the desires of my heart. This is what I truly believe. The friends that I did have who were agnostic, could never understand where I'm coming from or how I'll continue to live. But karma has a weird way of waking people up to reality.
I just hope that they're able to endure what will come from what seeds they have sown.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Love song
Today has been a weird day.
It was one of those reflective days, where you just sit and you think about where you're at, where you want to go, who's around you and what you want to achieve. I've already acknowledged that God has been telling me to prepare for something, but it's kind of like I'm waiting for some anonymous happenstance.
Perhaps that's just what it is...the stars will align and a series of events will give way to an advent of wonderful things. Or it could be the complete opposite. But I am in a moment of speaking positive things, and abhorring negativity as much as possible.
I met with my mentor today to discuss some of my future plans, he's in full support of them. I feel like the wheels have been set in motion. So just need to keep my short term goals in mind for he time being.
So I did something that I've never done before today...I wrote a love song. Me and a friend were talking and it made me think of a hypothetical situation. Mainly, what I'd say to a girl that was in love with. Being that I've never been in love, it would probably come out cheesy, but you know what, the more vulnerable you are in confessing your feelings to someone, I think the more that other person should be appreciative of it. It takes a lot to express ones self to another.
So, I hope I get to sing it to the right girl someday. I'm potentially interested in someone at the moment, but just kind of waiting on God to give me the go ahead. Hmm...maybe he already has.
We'll see.
It was one of those reflective days, where you just sit and you think about where you're at, where you want to go, who's around you and what you want to achieve. I've already acknowledged that God has been telling me to prepare for something, but it's kind of like I'm waiting for some anonymous happenstance.
Perhaps that's just what it is...the stars will align and a series of events will give way to an advent of wonderful things. Or it could be the complete opposite. But I am in a moment of speaking positive things, and abhorring negativity as much as possible.
I met with my mentor today to discuss some of my future plans, he's in full support of them. I feel like the wheels have been set in motion. So just need to keep my short term goals in mind for he time being.
So I did something that I've never done before today...I wrote a love song. Me and a friend were talking and it made me think of a hypothetical situation. Mainly, what I'd say to a girl that was in love with. Being that I've never been in love, it would probably come out cheesy, but you know what, the more vulnerable you are in confessing your feelings to someone, I think the more that other person should be appreciative of it. It takes a lot to express ones self to another.
So, I hope I get to sing it to the right girl someday. I'm potentially interested in someone at the moment, but just kind of waiting on God to give me the go ahead. Hmm...maybe he already has.
We'll see.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Being Tested
Ah.
So a series of events in the past few days have brought up a slough of memories. In particular, seeing a person who was once a close friend and testing my reaction to it.
The first event was actually to be expected. There have been two instances in which I've had to forcefully come into contact with people who have been less than trustworthy. When people hurt you it's very hard to forgive. Due to my faith, I know that I had to forgive these people, and I did. It's been known that to truly feel free and released from something, you have to be able to forgive.
That being said, I am not anxious to invite the mediocrity that was associated with these individuals back into my life. Harsh? Possibly, but when I've experienced what living truly is, and also what true friendship is, then it's hard to go back and invite something that isn't real but only face value back in. So yah, I was tested this past month, and past week.
Let me tell ya, the people who have the audacity to act as if nothing has ever happened, hah. Things that have occurred between others, something that needs to be address. To sit idly and pretend like everything is ok, well it's more of an insult. Perhaps I live in the real world, and have learned from my mistakes. While others are still under the delusion that their actions and integrity are intact.
I may be just a tad premature in thinking these these individuals have no kind of conviction about the way they reacted when it came down to the wire, but I have not seen any evidence to dictate otherwise. But I can be civil. In the end, I've endured a lot...but have not suffered.
So a series of events in the past few days have brought up a slough of memories. In particular, seeing a person who was once a close friend and testing my reaction to it.
The first event was actually to be expected. There have been two instances in which I've had to forcefully come into contact with people who have been less than trustworthy. When people hurt you it's very hard to forgive. Due to my faith, I know that I had to forgive these people, and I did. It's been known that to truly feel free and released from something, you have to be able to forgive.
That being said, I am not anxious to invite the mediocrity that was associated with these individuals back into my life. Harsh? Possibly, but when I've experienced what living truly is, and also what true friendship is, then it's hard to go back and invite something that isn't real but only face value back in. So yah, I was tested this past month, and past week.
Let me tell ya, the people who have the audacity to act as if nothing has ever happened, hah. Things that have occurred between others, something that needs to be address. To sit idly and pretend like everything is ok, well it's more of an insult. Perhaps I live in the real world, and have learned from my mistakes. While others are still under the delusion that their actions and integrity are intact.
I may be just a tad premature in thinking these these individuals have no kind of conviction about the way they reacted when it came down to the wire, but I have not seen any evidence to dictate otherwise. But I can be civil. In the end, I've endured a lot...but have not suffered.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sobriety is sweet, and necessary.
This is a test post, well my first post actually.
This blog will be dedicated to writing things more on a realer level. There'll be some pictures from time to time, but i figure this would be an adequate place to discuss my thoughts on life, friendship, my faith, love, and the nature and trends of people and society.
Stay tuned.
This blog will be dedicated to writing things more on a realer level. There'll be some pictures from time to time, but i figure this would be an adequate place to discuss my thoughts on life, friendship, my faith, love, and the nature and trends of people and society.
Stay tuned.
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