Moonlight Sonata on Repeat...

Because that's what I am feeling today. My roommate has been gone for a good bit, so I've had the house to myself. The peace and quiet is nice, although it's always very quiet. Luckily my good friends are right down the street if I ever wanted to get into some shenanigans.

But today, today is a somber day. I find it very reminiscent to Seattle. One of those days that I spent in the house just writing, and listening to music and pondering the next course of action in my life. I've known for a while that I'm quite an abstract person. I honestly believe that this is what enables me to make so many friends, yet when it comes to someone truly understanding what I'm like, I'm at a loss. There are times where I even wonder what God is doing. My lack of understanding of what his plans are for me leaves me in a uncompromising void at times. I keep going back and forth in determining if what I'm doing in the present is really what I should be doing.

I had a few letdowns this past week. It's made me rather complacent for the time being. Complacent, but not lacking in my routine - if that makes any sense. It's not so much a negative thing as it is more so a realist point of view. When people ask me how I'm doing, I generally say, "I am here, and I exist." What that all entails...well I'll leave that up to the creator. In doing some pondering, I wonder if we truly have a choice in the way life turns out.

All these desires, all these plans, are they really ours to begin with? Or were they placed there to fulfill God's whim? These are just a few things I've been going over in the past few weeks. I know where I stand with my faith, and I know the routine - but there are times where I need to know that everything that's happening isn't for naught.

Welcome to life I suppose. Some people have the belief that it is what you make of it, while others choose to just go along for the ride until the inevitable happens. I guess you can say that I'm a little in between. I have become callous to the idea of love, marriage, and things of that sort and merely plan to just ride life out until I can't anymore. I'm sure all these abilities I've been blessed with will go to some use, as they were put there for a reason...but we'll see.

Perhaps some people have talents that will never see the light of day, even wonderful personalities that no one will take the time to learn about. Maybe I am one of those people. I can't say for certain because I simply do not know. Would you deem it to be fair that one omnipotent being knows how your life is going to turn out, but never gives you a clue how?

We have those moments where we have joy when the unknown begets something beneficial to us in our lives; but do you think the Creator - already knowing the things that are going to happen in your life gives a mundane *sigh* and also waits for your existence to be over?

I wonder, because I also do not know. I will say, that as of late, I have not seen nor felt any evidence to assume that Happiness is what he wants for everyone. There are good things that happen, things that need to happen in order to carry out your existence, but I guess it's all a matter of how you view it.

I've just noticed that I've had Moonlight Sonata repeating for over 2 hours now, and it never gets old to me. I can literally hear this song crying tears.

I think that I'll continue to run with the belief that love is selective. Meaning, those who are meant to experience what the emotion love is, have been predestined to do so. Others will continue to wonder and perhaps want.

I neither wonder, nor want. Because I am incapable of feeling love for a significant other at the moment. But, I tried. I have love for my friends...and perhaps that's all I need, and perhaps I find solace in the simple things in life. Perhaps I am ultimately called to singleness.

I do not know. And you know what, God will never let me know.

I am here, and I exist. Nothing more.