Memphis Blues and Contempt

Definitely been a good while since I've even touched upon this blog. I'd like to spare everyone all the semantics of why I haven't written, but since no one reads this blog anyway I won't explain myself.

Who am I kidding? To make a long story short, life caught up with me and not for the better. I think after all of last years events as well as early summer's happenings, I started regressing into the person I was when I lived in Seattle. There was a point in time where it was all I could do to just wake up in the morning and get on with my life, with no real reason as to why I did anything that I did in the first place. A lot of people speak of ambition, and I had this false ambition I created for myself to feel useful as a human being. I think we all want to feel like we hold some sort of purpose or reason for our existence. I think even at a young age I couldn't understand the reason for humans existence.

I think to think about it...is very exhausting, and I think that's why some people just live. I am sure there are those that have an ingrained zeal for life, and I think I want to feel this too. I could get into the reasons (as there are many) for not feeling this way - but for the moment I'll just say that I don't really have much to look forward to.

That isn't to say that I've set the necessary goals I've needed to in order to function successfully. But isn't there something more to life than just working, and paying off debt? Getting married, or not getting married, sex and children, etc. I'm not going to throw religion- namely Christianity in all of this because that's the first thing people will say. "You need God to fill that void"

I won't comment on this too much because I've supposedly known God and still felt a void. Or maybe perhaps I was deluded the entire time into thinking that God actually has a purpose for my existence. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I don't know how to determine anything like that anymore. All I know how to do at the moment is make plans, get up and relocate, and repeat, repeat, repeat. I know that I'm weary of moving. I'd like that to stop.

At the moment I'm in Memphis, TN. I don't know where to begin about this city. There's a lot of history, and still a lot of ignorance. It is a daily struggle to understand the people of this city, and even more difficult-to understand the music scene. The so-called birthplace of music (or one of them), and you have to filter through the elitist attitude that propagates here. My personal experience is that no one is serious, everyone has a dream, but lacks the ambition to get there. Memphis is a tourist city - plain and simple. It's other attractions are crime, murder, and social injustice.

I'm not going to go into a "I hate Memphis" rant. I've decided to take it as it is at the moment and do the best that I can until I leave in June. I've always thought that I made a lot of decisions for myself by my own accord, but this move in June will be the first that I feel I will truly make for myself and I am ready to accept the consequences if they are the wrong decisions. I take delight that I have taken control over my life, and for once it's not ruled by ridiculous religious idiosyncrasies.

More on this later, and oh yah...bah humbug. lol.