Down the rabbit hole and into oblivion

So things have just been weird lately. I'm actually almost too tired to write. That, and my "a" key is broken...so that's been a nuisance.

I kind of feel like i'm slipping further and further away from sanity. I took one thing away that was hindering me from progressing and that was facebook. It just came to my attention that a lot of the people who i thought were close, werent' really. To be honest, I have more than enough close friends...and since i'm embarking on a new chapter in my life, I don't feel like everyone should have the privilege of knowing what's going on with me anyway.


I gave up trying to reach out to the one guy i knew. It's just a lost cause. I did thank him for a glimmer of hope though. It's really just not worth the time and energy it took to put myself in a vunerable state to deal with him.


Last night was an eye opener. I realize that I can barely tolerate my family. I love them, but...it's very difficult being here. I feel in some ways like I've reverted back to this small child, keeping silent and holding everything in. Definitely not healthy. I started back at the gym and have had some considerable weight loss...so that is the only thing that is keeping me going. Work sucks...i work with one guy who's a complete tool. Everyone else is cool, but i just don't like how these small town folks look at me sometimes.

It's hard to fight against the social norm here...when you're a minority among minorities. (does anyone get that?) Is it weird that I think that I'll find more commonality with people overseas ?

I don't think so. I've felt like a stranger in a strange land for as long as I can remember here in the US.

I still have my goals though. I'm going to keep going with this even if it kills me.

"Make me wanna holla"

That's an excerpt from "Inner City Blues" by Marvin Gaye, which I'm learning for a show that I have at the end of this month. I'm pretty excited, I've found a really awesome group of talented musicians...that's one great thing about Memphis, never a lack of talent.

I talked to them a little about what kind of sound I'm trying to produce, and coincidentally we're all on the same wavelength. This will make about...a year since I've actually performed on stage. There's a little bit of nervousness, but not too much. I've spent so much time writing songs in that time that I took of, so I have a lot to work with. Also, I now have a keyboard to work with, and will start practicing that for some future shows possibly.

So that's fun. One thing acccomplished here. The other thing is...well, I'm meeting with someone on Friday. A really awesome girl. I don't want to talk about that too much, but i"ll expound later.

In other news, the old friend that wrote me didn't seem to be too serious. I extended my hand, like I did before...but i think there's only so many times you can put yourself out there. I don't know why he feels the need to act that way. I'm all about reconciliation. But, i can't let that prospect overshadow what's happening in my life, and who I'm meeting and all the great things that are going to happen. He is just one person, and does matter - but at the same time, i receive such overwhelming love and support from so many people, there's no room to feel sad anymore.

I guess...whenever he figures out what he wants to say, I'll still be here. I have compassion for this person.

anywhoo...so my job. It's a hate/love thing. I love the folks i work with they're awesome, but...the job itself can suck a fat one. BUT...it's paying the bills at this point and that's all that matters. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy in some areas...but I'm trusting that God will help me through all of of this. It's just hard to remind myself of that at times.

Here's to pressing on...

In the Waiting Line...

I'm sitting here drinking green ginger tazo tea from Starbucks. I can't help but to think how much life has changed since I graduated from college. It's kind of funny all the plans and ambitious goals you set out for yourself, and how almost nothing goes according to plan.

That, however is the excitement of life-the good and the bad, very bittersweet.

I'm listening to Sia right now. This woman knows how to get to the very core of my soul.



If none of you (meaning the invisible people who read this blog) have heard this woman...please do yourself and get her previous album: Colour the small one.
I can understand how people fall in love with a person who performs music...I find myself wanting to marry her vocals...lol.

Everything seems to be coming along nicely. It's going to take a while to get adjusted to the way life is right now, but I'm embracing, and I have a group of people that's making life a little easier to swallow. Lately, I've really been praying for God to lead my steps. I realize that I can make plans, but ultimately if it's something I'm not supposed to be doing he'll put a stop to it.

Something interesting that happened? The person that I was talking about weeks before, contaacted me out of the blue. I'm pretty thankful about that. The first thing I did was thank God for it. Dreams have always had a huge significance with what's going to happen or what's going on.

There could be a girl prospect soon, so I've been thinking a lot of how to handle that, in regards to my current goals. Love and happiness are rare things for some people. I'm sure if she's the right person, I'll know soon enough.

That's all I have tonight. I'm embracing change right now, as slow as it may be.

New Year, New Goals...etc.

Well, I never thought I'd be writing anything on New Years day. That seems like the typical thing to do, and I guess I work against being atypical in some ways. I should be writing about all the silly little resolutions that I'll be making to make myself better. But I don't really have a ton of things that I want to change, just few things that I know will enhance my life experiences while I'm here on earth.

I guess the first thing is my attitude, which has definitely been worked on in the past month. Not having a job or a set plan can really be a detriment to a healthy, positive attitude. Another thing can be verbal abuse, which is what I have to sometimes put up with when I'm here with my family. It can be a harmful thing if you don't know how to withstand it and remind yourself what kind of person you really are.

The second thing to change is my fitness habits. This has also changed due to the events of the past few months. In my case, I've just become apathetic, haha and also, my favorite pair of headphones broke. At the moment it's too cold to run, so I'll be joining a gym in a few weeks and I'm excited to make a new routine again.

And the last thing...my dating life. Up until now it's been pretty non-existant since I've been so goal driven, but that about to change. I've been allowing myself to become more open to the concept that I can meet someone wonderful. Whether that's here or Korea, that remains to be seen.

I've put music on hold for a bit...but I'm still open to the possibilities that that may hold for me. I'm learning how to take the focus off of people who have mistreated me in the past year, and just have started to pray for them more and more. It's a good feeling to pray for those who have hurt you. You think about them less in terms of how they hurt you so try it...it works.

a few unsubstantial things I want to work on..
-buying nice new clothes
-trying a new hairstyle
-picking up German Language
-go to more concerts/shows

and I really want to do a lot more for my friends...I just feel such overwhelming support from everyone I know in Kansas City. I think there'll be a day that'll come when I can do a ton of things for the majority of them.

That's all i got for now, Happy 2010. This will be bigger and better than the last.