Positive Vibes

So, I've been feeling pretty good lately, despite my bouts of insomnia. I think after writing my last post, although I still have recurring dreams about resolving my friendship (two since then). I've learned to relax about them though. I really do feel happy praying about that individual. I think one thing I constantly told him was that I always wanted him to be happy.

So, I've been painting my room here, and rearranging a few things. It's nice to change things around...makes the atmosphere seem brand new. A new development - my resolve to remain positive about my situations. So far, it's been working out great. I even visited a new church. I didn't meet anyone new, but I like the church - it's mixed race, and the pastor is really cool. Definitely a different thing for this area. I'm sure I'll meet some folks soon.

I do have quite a few friends here, they're actually really nice. I spent some time hanging out last night having a screwdriver with a good buddy here, and just chatting. I miss those kinds of times. I definitely miss it with my nerd crew in Kansas City. I really love those guys...I mean really, I think last year I met a ton of wonderful people at the right time. It's hard to not want to come back, but I'm doing what needs to be done at the moment to ensure a successful career.

Christmas was bittersweet. I think everyone I know felt the pangs of the way the economy this year and so gift giving was limited. Personally, I don't care much for the holidays, but for the sake of my mom and sister I participate. Some strange happenings though, I had that recurring dream again about my old friend Adam, and then I had a friend who I had stayed with when I came to Kansas City briefly tell me he didn't want to be friends anymore. He grossly misinterpreted our conversation for some reason, and overreacted - I mean grossly overreacted. He called my best friend and told him something totally off the wall, and I mean I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it. But I went ahead and wrote a friendly letter to clear things up, guess that wasn't good enough. He may be choosing to not talk to me out of stubborness- who knows. What I do know is that where I once was concerned about resolving the issue, I no longer care - because I'm not in the wrong. I'm not saying that callously, I'm saying that because from all the saved conversations and emails and having other folks read them to make sure that I didnt' say something utterly offensive...it's a fact that I'm not in the wrong.

As of late, I've had two different types of people in my life. The ones that contact me and really wonder how I'm doing, and the ones who won't talk to me unless I talk to them first...and I mean this is for EVERY conversation. I don't understand people like this. There's one person in particular I can think of that I think gets off from trying to belittle me every conversation we have. I think maybe they're compensating for lack of a penis or something I don't know. But it's retarded...and I really just get sick of putting up with stuff like that - and I don't have to.

Things have been on the up and up..and I'm grateful for that. It gets exasperating sometimes being here, but things take time to come together, and I do have my sights set on a certain goal before the middle of 2010.

I have a great feeling that good things are going to happen in a lot of areas in my life. I'm definitely ready for it.

Sad Memories

So, I keep having recurring dreams about a guy who was one of my best friends. His name was Adam. Adam was a great guy...he had a great heart, but one of his biggest flaws was that he was so passive.

I knew this about Adam, and instead of exploiting that, I defended him a lot of the times when he had issues with different stuff, like when him and his roommate weren't getting along. I automatically considered this guy awesome because he was introduced to me by my best friend who lives in KC. So for that entire summer, me and Adam hung out...and he was also there when I entered the band I was in. I met a lot of wonderful people through Adam actually...all from Iowa.

It's so confusing, they are all such good people...and yet from what I hear now, he barely keeps in touch with them because he's fallen into the lifestyle that the band presented. I think the thing I most regret about doing music, was the way it tore up my friendships during/after the fact. I basically had to stop talking to a lot of people who surrounded the incident because they never tried to see it from my point of view.

The worst was in fact Adam, in that in one email...he said "I support you on your decision" and in public...would not speak to me when everyone else was around. I think he tried to be somewhat of a social chameleon - When we around others he would display another personality - he just wanted to fit in with everyone. I'm assuming this may have stemmed from something he was used to at an early age, but I have no factual evidence to back that up.

Some may allude it to as people just being people. I guess I have always taken friendship seriously. Never one to throw the word "i love you" or "friend" around so callously. Little by little i saw what that lifestyle was doing to him, and what it was starting to do to me...and before I got in too deep I made the decision and got out. It's still one of the best decisions I've ever made...at the cost of a person I once deemed as a great friend.

Why am I writing about this today? I have no idea....well yah I do. I guess I wonder if that guy is truly happy. Partying gets old, alcohol gets old...everyone starts moving on with their lives, what then? Recently, I've had some dreams in which I ran into this guy, and I think I was really greatful that he actually talked to me. Why did one person matter so much, when I have really great people around me who support me?

"One person can always matter", someone mentioned to me today. I think i've always overly cared about my friends. The ones that I thought were real I suppose. I think I was more taken aback by the ones I had known for years that didn't take a moment to hear me out.

It's old news...all of it is. Am I wrong for wanting to reconcile with this cat? The sad thing is that, I tried to, and he never called me back, but yet he told my best friend that he had gotten a message from me. He doesn't even talk to my best friend who he grew up with overseas anymore.

How can people change so drastically? Is wanting to be accepted so badly worth losing the people who understand what real friendship is?

It's really sad. I know that things will never be the same...but I can be happy in that I tried to make a valid effort to resolve things. I had to end up blocking him on my facebook because it hurt too much to see him.

haha yah, this sounds gay. I don't care...I missed the way things were before I ever started music.

I don't want to write anymore about this...i know he'll never see this.

I still pray for you man. Merry Christmas.

Memphis Blues and Contempt

Definitely been a good while since I've even touched upon this blog. I'd like to spare everyone all the semantics of why I haven't written, but since no one reads this blog anyway I won't explain myself.

Who am I kidding? To make a long story short, life caught up with me and not for the better. I think after all of last years events as well as early summer's happenings, I started regressing into the person I was when I lived in Seattle. There was a point in time where it was all I could do to just wake up in the morning and get on with my life, with no real reason as to why I did anything that I did in the first place. A lot of people speak of ambition, and I had this false ambition I created for myself to feel useful as a human being. I think we all want to feel like we hold some sort of purpose or reason for our existence. I think even at a young age I couldn't understand the reason for humans existence.

I think to think about it...is very exhausting, and I think that's why some people just live. I am sure there are those that have an ingrained zeal for life, and I think I want to feel this too. I could get into the reasons (as there are many) for not feeling this way - but for the moment I'll just say that I don't really have much to look forward to.

That isn't to say that I've set the necessary goals I've needed to in order to function successfully. But isn't there something more to life than just working, and paying off debt? Getting married, or not getting married, sex and children, etc. I'm not going to throw religion- namely Christianity in all of this because that's the first thing people will say. "You need God to fill that void"

I won't comment on this too much because I've supposedly known God and still felt a void. Or maybe perhaps I was deluded the entire time into thinking that God actually has a purpose for my existence. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I don't know how to determine anything like that anymore. All I know how to do at the moment is make plans, get up and relocate, and repeat, repeat, repeat. I know that I'm weary of moving. I'd like that to stop.

At the moment I'm in Memphis, TN. I don't know where to begin about this city. There's a lot of history, and still a lot of ignorance. It is a daily struggle to understand the people of this city, and even more difficult-to understand the music scene. The so-called birthplace of music (or one of them), and you have to filter through the elitist attitude that propagates here. My personal experience is that no one is serious, everyone has a dream, but lacks the ambition to get there. Memphis is a tourist city - plain and simple. It's other attractions are crime, murder, and social injustice.

I'm not going to go into a "I hate Memphis" rant. I've decided to take it as it is at the moment and do the best that I can until I leave in June. I've always thought that I made a lot of decisions for myself by my own accord, but this move in June will be the first that I feel I will truly make for myself and I am ready to accept the consequences if they are the wrong decisions. I take delight that I have taken control over my life, and for once it's not ruled by ridiculous religious idiosyncrasies.

More on this later, and oh yah...bah humbug. lol.