Moonlight Sonata on Repeat...

Because that's what I am feeling today. My roommate has been gone for a good bit, so I've had the house to myself. The peace and quiet is nice, although it's always very quiet. Luckily my good friends are right down the street if I ever wanted to get into some shenanigans.

But today, today is a somber day. I find it very reminiscent to Seattle. One of those days that I spent in the house just writing, and listening to music and pondering the next course of action in my life. I've known for a while that I'm quite an abstract person. I honestly believe that this is what enables me to make so many friends, yet when it comes to someone truly understanding what I'm like, I'm at a loss. There are times where I even wonder what God is doing. My lack of understanding of what his plans are for me leaves me in a uncompromising void at times. I keep going back and forth in determining if what I'm doing in the present is really what I should be doing.

I had a few letdowns this past week. It's made me rather complacent for the time being. Complacent, but not lacking in my routine - if that makes any sense. It's not so much a negative thing as it is more so a realist point of view. When people ask me how I'm doing, I generally say, "I am here, and I exist." What that all entails...well I'll leave that up to the creator. In doing some pondering, I wonder if we truly have a choice in the way life turns out.

All these desires, all these plans, are they really ours to begin with? Or were they placed there to fulfill God's whim? These are just a few things I've been going over in the past few weeks. I know where I stand with my faith, and I know the routine - but there are times where I need to know that everything that's happening isn't for naught.

Welcome to life I suppose. Some people have the belief that it is what you make of it, while others choose to just go along for the ride until the inevitable happens. I guess you can say that I'm a little in between. I have become callous to the idea of love, marriage, and things of that sort and merely plan to just ride life out until I can't anymore. I'm sure all these abilities I've been blessed with will go to some use, as they were put there for a reason...but we'll see.

Perhaps some people have talents that will never see the light of day, even wonderful personalities that no one will take the time to learn about. Maybe I am one of those people. I can't say for certain because I simply do not know. Would you deem it to be fair that one omnipotent being knows how your life is going to turn out, but never gives you a clue how?

We have those moments where we have joy when the unknown begets something beneficial to us in our lives; but do you think the Creator - already knowing the things that are going to happen in your life gives a mundane *sigh* and also waits for your existence to be over?

I wonder, because I also do not know. I will say, that as of late, I have not seen nor felt any evidence to assume that Happiness is what he wants for everyone. There are good things that happen, things that need to happen in order to carry out your existence, but I guess it's all a matter of how you view it.

I've just noticed that I've had Moonlight Sonata repeating for over 2 hours now, and it never gets old to me. I can literally hear this song crying tears.

I think that I'll continue to run with the belief that love is selective. Meaning, those who are meant to experience what the emotion love is, have been predestined to do so. Others will continue to wonder and perhaps want.

I neither wonder, nor want. Because I am incapable of feeling love for a significant other at the moment. But, I tried. I have love for my friends...and perhaps that's all I need, and perhaps I find solace in the simple things in life. Perhaps I am ultimately called to singleness.

I do not know. And you know what, God will never let me know.

I am here, and I exist. Nothing more.

Beep Beep.com

I'm going to take a moment to rant about something that has literally been annoying the ever living sh** out of me.

The stupid beep beep.com commercial that plays about 50 times a night on Cartoon Network.
I'm sure they play it on other stations too, thank God I don't watch TV that often. I am just irritated because it's a Monday, and I need something to vent about because I didn't want to be at work today. Normally, Presidents Day is a holiday where you get off of work, not for where I work though. Well, I guess getting paid is better than not getting anything, or being out of a job completely.

But if you are unfortunate to catch this commercial, the dude that sings it is way off key, the timing is way off..and his voice is just excruciatingly grating. I have no idea who the PR or Marketing cat is for Time Warner, but this dude needs to be fired. If anything, it's ineffective because the sound makes me want to drive a screwdriver into my brain, not look up new cars.

It's almost as bad as the "banana phone" song, which now since I thought about it, is stuck in my head - w00T! -_-.

I am looking forward to a nice night at the Phoenix Piano bar...i need it.

Karma and Cheese

Hmm, don't know why I added the "cheese" part to this entry.
Maybe in my own weird way I think cheese is something to eat with the advent of something
happening related to good or bad karma.

So, in a roundabout way, I found out that Karma is indeed in fact, very real. Perhaps that's
why I am very careful about what I say or what I do. I'd like to go with the belief that in any situation, the universe realizes what's ethically right and wrong, and that it rewards or punishes
those individuals based upon their decisions.

Or...i could be wrong, and karma isn't real and that things are merely happenstance. Either way, I will never revel in someones misfortune. But I will simply nod and say, "Did you really think that by your actions, you'd be able to live comfortably forever?".

I will continue to pray for the people that I know to be lost and misguided. God has blessed me so much by going against the grain and doing what is right by Him, and so I'm not worried. I will trust in him and he will give me all the desires of my heart. This is what I truly believe. The friends that I did have who were agnostic, could never understand where I'm coming from or how I'll continue to live. But karma has a weird way of waking people up to reality.

I just hope that they're able to endure what will come from what seeds they have sown.

Love song

Today has been a weird day.

It was one of those reflective days, where you just sit and you think about where you're at, where you want to go, who's around you and what you want to achieve. I've already acknowledged that God has been telling me to prepare for something, but it's kind of like I'm waiting for some anonymous happenstance.

Perhaps that's just what it is...the stars will align and a series of events will give way to an advent of wonderful things. Or it could be the complete opposite. But I am in a moment of speaking positive things, and abhorring negativity as much as possible.

I met with my mentor today to discuss some of my future plans, he's in full support of them. I feel like the wheels have been set in motion. So just need to keep my short term goals in mind for he time being.

So I did something that I've never done before today...I wrote a love song. Me and a friend were talking and it made me think of a hypothetical situation. Mainly, what I'd say to a girl that was in love with. Being that I've never been in love, it would probably come out cheesy, but you know what, the more vulnerable you are in confessing your feelings to someone, I think the more that other person should be appreciative of it. It takes a lot to express ones self to another.

So, I hope I get to sing it to the right girl someday. I'm potentially interested in someone at the moment, but just kind of waiting on God to give me the go ahead. Hmm...maybe he already has.

We'll see.

Being Tested

Ah.

So a series of events in the past few days have brought up a slough of memories. In particular, seeing a person who was once a close friend and testing my reaction to it.

The first event was actually to be expected. There have been two instances in which I've had to forcefully come into contact with people who have been less than trustworthy. When people hurt you it's very hard to forgive. Due to my faith, I know that I had to forgive these people, and I did. It's been known that to truly feel free and released from something, you have to be able to forgive.

That being said, I am not anxious to invite the mediocrity that was associated with these individuals back into my life. Harsh? Possibly, but when I've experienced what living truly is, and also what true friendship is, then it's hard to go back and invite something that isn't real but only face value back in. So yah, I was tested this past month, and past week.

Let me tell ya, the people who have the audacity to act as if nothing has ever happened, hah. Things that have occurred between others, something that needs to be address. To sit idly and pretend like everything is ok, well it's more of an insult. Perhaps I live in the real world, and have learned from my mistakes. While others are still under the delusion that their actions and integrity are intact.

I may be just a tad premature in thinking these these individuals have no kind of conviction about the way they reacted when it came down to the wire, but I have not seen any evidence to dictate otherwise. But I can be civil. In the end, I've endured a lot...but have not suffered.

Sobriety is sweet, and necessary.

This is a test post, well my first post actually.

This blog will be dedicated to writing things more on a realer level. There'll be some pictures from time to time, but i figure this would be an adequate place to discuss my thoughts on life, friendship, my faith, love, and the nature and trends of people and society.

Stay tuned.