Memphis Blues and Contempt

Definitely been a good while since I've even touched upon this blog. I'd like to spare everyone all the semantics of why I haven't written, but since no one reads this blog anyway I won't explain myself.

Who am I kidding? To make a long story short, life caught up with me and not for the better. I think after all of last years events as well as early summer's happenings, I started regressing into the person I was when I lived in Seattle. There was a point in time where it was all I could do to just wake up in the morning and get on with my life, with no real reason as to why I did anything that I did in the first place. A lot of people speak of ambition, and I had this false ambition I created for myself to feel useful as a human being. I think we all want to feel like we hold some sort of purpose or reason for our existence. I think even at a young age I couldn't understand the reason for humans existence.

I think to think about it...is very exhausting, and I think that's why some people just live. I am sure there are those that have an ingrained zeal for life, and I think I want to feel this too. I could get into the reasons (as there are many) for not feeling this way - but for the moment I'll just say that I don't really have much to look forward to.

That isn't to say that I've set the necessary goals I've needed to in order to function successfully. But isn't there something more to life than just working, and paying off debt? Getting married, or not getting married, sex and children, etc. I'm not going to throw religion- namely Christianity in all of this because that's the first thing people will say. "You need God to fill that void"

I won't comment on this too much because I've supposedly known God and still felt a void. Or maybe perhaps I was deluded the entire time into thinking that God actually has a purpose for my existence. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I don't know how to determine anything like that anymore. All I know how to do at the moment is make plans, get up and relocate, and repeat, repeat, repeat. I know that I'm weary of moving. I'd like that to stop.

At the moment I'm in Memphis, TN. I don't know where to begin about this city. There's a lot of history, and still a lot of ignorance. It is a daily struggle to understand the people of this city, and even more difficult-to understand the music scene. The so-called birthplace of music (or one of them), and you have to filter through the elitist attitude that propagates here. My personal experience is that no one is serious, everyone has a dream, but lacks the ambition to get there. Memphis is a tourist city - plain and simple. It's other attractions are crime, murder, and social injustice.

I'm not going to go into a "I hate Memphis" rant. I've decided to take it as it is at the moment and do the best that I can until I leave in June. I've always thought that I made a lot of decisions for myself by my own accord, but this move in June will be the first that I feel I will truly make for myself and I am ready to accept the consequences if they are the wrong decisions. I take delight that I have taken control over my life, and for once it's not ruled by ridiculous religious idiosyncrasies.

More on this later, and oh yah...bah humbug. lol.

Silent Soliloquy

Well,

I haven't written after my last post intentionally. There was a lot of thought put into trying to figure out this predestined future I had made up for myself, only to ultimately find that I was trying to convince myself that my hearts desires would never come to pass.

I gave up, plain and simple. It was easier to say yes to "fate" and no to the fact that God really does want the best for me and that he's not some manevolent being sitting up on a throne gleefully rubbing his hands together as I groan over different tribulations.

That's not who God is at all. What a freaking idiot I was. When things seem stagnant - and I'm talking about in any relationship, you need to shake it up a bit. There are different things I can do to improve my relationship with God. Heck, there are different things I can do to improve my quality of life. Working out just isn't one of them; i need to get to root of the problem - my way of thinking.

As I'm sitting here at this coffee shop contemplating what the next course of action will be, I have taken a moment to appreciate this time of singledness. The sky is the limit! I can do whatever I want to do...and I have no obligations. I am blessed with the most wonderful friends on this planet! I am so loved. Tomorrow I turn 27, and I realized that a lifetime of what I've spent searching for, genuine honesty and loyalty from people who see me from the inside...I have it here in Kansas City.

That's what makes the decision that I had to make this past weekend...the hardest I've ever had to make...

Moonlight Sonata on Repeat...

Because that's what I am feeling today. My roommate has been gone for a good bit, so I've had the house to myself. The peace and quiet is nice, although it's always very quiet. Luckily my good friends are right down the street if I ever wanted to get into some shenanigans.

But today, today is a somber day. I find it very reminiscent to Seattle. One of those days that I spent in the house just writing, and listening to music and pondering the next course of action in my life. I've known for a while that I'm quite an abstract person. I honestly believe that this is what enables me to make so many friends, yet when it comes to someone truly understanding what I'm like, I'm at a loss. There are times where I even wonder what God is doing. My lack of understanding of what his plans are for me leaves me in a uncompromising void at times. I keep going back and forth in determining if what I'm doing in the present is really what I should be doing.

I had a few letdowns this past week. It's made me rather complacent for the time being. Complacent, but not lacking in my routine - if that makes any sense. It's not so much a negative thing as it is more so a realist point of view. When people ask me how I'm doing, I generally say, "I am here, and I exist." What that all entails...well I'll leave that up to the creator. In doing some pondering, I wonder if we truly have a choice in the way life turns out.

All these desires, all these plans, are they really ours to begin with? Or were they placed there to fulfill God's whim? These are just a few things I've been going over in the past few weeks. I know where I stand with my faith, and I know the routine - but there are times where I need to know that everything that's happening isn't for naught.

Welcome to life I suppose. Some people have the belief that it is what you make of it, while others choose to just go along for the ride until the inevitable happens. I guess you can say that I'm a little in between. I have become callous to the idea of love, marriage, and things of that sort and merely plan to just ride life out until I can't anymore. I'm sure all these abilities I've been blessed with will go to some use, as they were put there for a reason...but we'll see.

Perhaps some people have talents that will never see the light of day, even wonderful personalities that no one will take the time to learn about. Maybe I am one of those people. I can't say for certain because I simply do not know. Would you deem it to be fair that one omnipotent being knows how your life is going to turn out, but never gives you a clue how?

We have those moments where we have joy when the unknown begets something beneficial to us in our lives; but do you think the Creator - already knowing the things that are going to happen in your life gives a mundane *sigh* and also waits for your existence to be over?

I wonder, because I also do not know. I will say, that as of late, I have not seen nor felt any evidence to assume that Happiness is what he wants for everyone. There are good things that happen, things that need to happen in order to carry out your existence, but I guess it's all a matter of how you view it.

I've just noticed that I've had Moonlight Sonata repeating for over 2 hours now, and it never gets old to me. I can literally hear this song crying tears.

I think that I'll continue to run with the belief that love is selective. Meaning, those who are meant to experience what the emotion love is, have been predestined to do so. Others will continue to wonder and perhaps want.

I neither wonder, nor want. Because I am incapable of feeling love for a significant other at the moment. But, I tried. I have love for my friends...and perhaps that's all I need, and perhaps I find solace in the simple things in life. Perhaps I am ultimately called to singleness.

I do not know. And you know what, God will never let me know.

I am here, and I exist. Nothing more.

Beep Beep.com

I'm going to take a moment to rant about something that has literally been annoying the ever living sh** out of me.

The stupid beep beep.com commercial that plays about 50 times a night on Cartoon Network.
I'm sure they play it on other stations too, thank God I don't watch TV that often. I am just irritated because it's a Monday, and I need something to vent about because I didn't want to be at work today. Normally, Presidents Day is a holiday where you get off of work, not for where I work though. Well, I guess getting paid is better than not getting anything, or being out of a job completely.

But if you are unfortunate to catch this commercial, the dude that sings it is way off key, the timing is way off..and his voice is just excruciatingly grating. I have no idea who the PR or Marketing cat is for Time Warner, but this dude needs to be fired. If anything, it's ineffective because the sound makes me want to drive a screwdriver into my brain, not look up new cars.

It's almost as bad as the "banana phone" song, which now since I thought about it, is stuck in my head - w00T! -_-.

I am looking forward to a nice night at the Phoenix Piano bar...i need it.

Karma and Cheese

Hmm, don't know why I added the "cheese" part to this entry.
Maybe in my own weird way I think cheese is something to eat with the advent of something
happening related to good or bad karma.

So, in a roundabout way, I found out that Karma is indeed in fact, very real. Perhaps that's
why I am very careful about what I say or what I do. I'd like to go with the belief that in any situation, the universe realizes what's ethically right and wrong, and that it rewards or punishes
those individuals based upon their decisions.

Or...i could be wrong, and karma isn't real and that things are merely happenstance. Either way, I will never revel in someones misfortune. But I will simply nod and say, "Did you really think that by your actions, you'd be able to live comfortably forever?".

I will continue to pray for the people that I know to be lost and misguided. God has blessed me so much by going against the grain and doing what is right by Him, and so I'm not worried. I will trust in him and he will give me all the desires of my heart. This is what I truly believe. The friends that I did have who were agnostic, could never understand where I'm coming from or how I'll continue to live. But karma has a weird way of waking people up to reality.

I just hope that they're able to endure what will come from what seeds they have sown.

Love song

Today has been a weird day.

It was one of those reflective days, where you just sit and you think about where you're at, where you want to go, who's around you and what you want to achieve. I've already acknowledged that God has been telling me to prepare for something, but it's kind of like I'm waiting for some anonymous happenstance.

Perhaps that's just what it is...the stars will align and a series of events will give way to an advent of wonderful things. Or it could be the complete opposite. But I am in a moment of speaking positive things, and abhorring negativity as much as possible.

I met with my mentor today to discuss some of my future plans, he's in full support of them. I feel like the wheels have been set in motion. So just need to keep my short term goals in mind for he time being.

So I did something that I've never done before today...I wrote a love song. Me and a friend were talking and it made me think of a hypothetical situation. Mainly, what I'd say to a girl that was in love with. Being that I've never been in love, it would probably come out cheesy, but you know what, the more vulnerable you are in confessing your feelings to someone, I think the more that other person should be appreciative of it. It takes a lot to express ones self to another.

So, I hope I get to sing it to the right girl someday. I'm potentially interested in someone at the moment, but just kind of waiting on God to give me the go ahead. Hmm...maybe he already has.

We'll see.

Being Tested

Ah.

So a series of events in the past few days have brought up a slough of memories. In particular, seeing a person who was once a close friend and testing my reaction to it.

The first event was actually to be expected. There have been two instances in which I've had to forcefully come into contact with people who have been less than trustworthy. When people hurt you it's very hard to forgive. Due to my faith, I know that I had to forgive these people, and I did. It's been known that to truly feel free and released from something, you have to be able to forgive.

That being said, I am not anxious to invite the mediocrity that was associated with these individuals back into my life. Harsh? Possibly, but when I've experienced what living truly is, and also what true friendship is, then it's hard to go back and invite something that isn't real but only face value back in. So yah, I was tested this past month, and past week.

Let me tell ya, the people who have the audacity to act as if nothing has ever happened, hah. Things that have occurred between others, something that needs to be address. To sit idly and pretend like everything is ok, well it's more of an insult. Perhaps I live in the real world, and have learned from my mistakes. While others are still under the delusion that their actions and integrity are intact.

I may be just a tad premature in thinking these these individuals have no kind of conviction about the way they reacted when it came down to the wire, but I have not seen any evidence to dictate otherwise. But I can be civil. In the end, I've endured a lot...but have not suffered.